As I Fell For The Stars

This past thursday I got my first taste of one of my new favorite bands Stars and I was not disappointed. It was at The Casbah which is just a small bar in Hamilton, very clean place but drinks are overpriced and they have the honor of serving me the worst ever Rye and Coke I have tasted at a bar.

As for the concert I love the small venue feel and Stars sounded great. I'd love to give a full fledged report on the concert but it was a couple days ago so my mind isn't good at putting things into words now. If you want to see some pictures of the show check out Rants, Rock And Reason. The view was pretty good despite the band not really being raised above the crowd all that much, the stage was maybe a foot high.

As for the rest of my weekend at home it was quite enjoyable and I think I can say I'm proud to be a videogame nerd, mainly its just sports games but I spent the weekend at my buddies house and we had three tv's setup, the xbox, the gamecube, the PS2, and a dvd player on the go pretty much all weekend, except for my trip to value village which was extremely fruitful this time around.

Anyways, it's time to do laundry then start an essay I have due tomorrow, so maybe I'll post again later or maybe I won't comeback to find out.

The Spoken Language of Silence

Why have I lost all my creativity. Everytime I come on here to write something of poetic form my mind goes blank as if I am incapable of even comprehending something of language behind the basic necessity to communicate.

What language is it that we try and speak, one of eloquance and beauty, or one of justification and meaning? The only wonderful thing that accompanies language is silence and I know I'm not the first to say that silence is essential but it truly and honestly is the number one means of communication. The ability to sit in silence either with yourself or another individual is key. If this is able to occur without the awkwardness felt in some situations then you have the ability to communicate beyond a greater meaning than language because all language really is are sounds. Who was given the power to decide what a certain sound means in the first place and inevitably not everybody agrees that the same sound has the same meaning, thus the reason we have different languages.

I sometimes imagine what it would like to be deaf because that way my silence would not be seen as "oh he's not enjoying himself, he's so quiet" and my inability to communicate through a spoken language would be justified. However, that is not the case for me so I will continue trying to break down my own communication barriers, which have hindered me in many situations before and in other situations aided me greatly.

The greatest area it has aided me is the happiness that the sound of music brings to me, even if it is sad music in some small way it still brings me comfort. Another area where my ability to not communicate fluently through spoken language is that my ability to listen to others is probably much higher than those who are fluent speakers of language. That is not to say that I still won't be choosy as to who I decide to listen to because some people just aren't worth the time of day to listen too, but those who I do listen too receive my full attention.

The most obvious area where my inability to carry a fluent means of communication through spoken language is quite clear for those of you who know me and for those of you who don't well then you'll just have to guess because I'm not about to write about my failures of the past.

The one personal characteristic that will get you through any situation in life I have discovered is confidence. If you have confidence in doing whatever you are doing you will succeed, however for me it's definitely not an easy thing to obtain anymore but I'm going to try and work on that and the only way to do that is to be who I am and yes I realize that is said over and over a million times but they are right.

Now if only I can listen to myself and try and take some of my own advice for once things might come out on the better end of things, "lift up the receiver, I'll make you a believer".

Also, I think two of my all-time favorite quotes easily come from Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind and I shall leave you with both...

"Constant talking is not necessarily communication" - Joel Barish (Jim Carrey)

"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot. The world forgetting, by the world forgot: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Each prayer accepted, and each wish resign'd" -Alexander Pope quoted by Mary (Kirsten Dunst)

Tell Me What You See

It seems that once again I am left wanting to post but nothing extremely provocative or entertaining comes to mind. Thus I will just write what comes to my head and we'll have to see what you think, that is if I'm not the only one reading this. However I do know that even if nobody else reads this a fellow named Nathan will, and no I am not talking about myself.

It's strange to imagine that it is already the middle/end of January and my first year of University is nearly over. It's definitely been a change for me coming from high school where I could do no work and still get 90's and high 80's and I'd be upset with myself if I did not achieve those because well as the school system pounds into your head day in and day out "you need good grades to go to university".

Well it's amazing what has happened to me once I got here, I stopped caring. Several examples being, I haven't done any of my readings since like early October, although I've been trying to change that lately. I skip class like no tomorrow, which is odd because I never skipped class in high school, that's not to say I didn't have other ingenious ways of getting out of class. Lastly, my marks have seen the typical 15 percent drop in average but mine is closer to 20 percent and I honestly don't care. The biggest example of this was my philosophy exam, I failed with a 46% and I didn't care. That was the first thing I have ever failed and it didn't faze me one bit, if I got that in high school I would have been freaking even if it was only worth 1.32%.

All of these different factors have made me realize that although moving away from home has been great and I want to continue living in London, I have no desire to be in school. I'm sick of being graded based upon the opinion of some graduate TA who could care less what I have to say. I just need to get out of school for awhile, away from the constant pressure to achieve the "holy degree" that will get me the job that will give me a career. Hell, I have a job at the moment where I could make 75 to 80 thousand a year without a degree but you know what I also don't feel like being trapped on a shipping boat for eight months of the year. I mean it wouldn't matter if I was trapped on a boat for that long because nobody would notice I was gone but it's just a fact that I'd miss out on many concerts and the occasional friendly gathering.

I will however do the job for the summer so I can make money to move back to London come late September or early October and then I can find a job that I will enjoy but won't make much money doing. That job that I hope to find once I move back to London is working at any type of music store whether it be the main ones like HMV, Sunrise, Musicworld, or some little local store. I honestly think that would make me happy and that's what I want my year off school to do make me happy, possibly meet somebody along the way and be happy.

Everyone is afraid I won't return to school if I take a year off, is that really a bad thing if I'm happy I don't think so, but I still plan on getting my degree sometime in my lifetime who says I have to have one by the time I'm 24, only mainstream culture but you know what although I buy into many things of the mainstream, there's also so many things that are wrong with it and the biggest in my mind is the reliance upon religion. One day I will sit down and write about why I have lost my faith in religion, not that I had much to begin with, since for as long as I can remember I would always try to sleep in as late as possible on Sundays so I could avoid going at any cost, it usually always failed cause I could never sleep in at such a young age and if I did my dad would be sure to wake me up.

Well it's Friday night and my goal was to accomplish some work tonight but yet again it hasn't happened cause I don't care but I think I might force myself to read some of my film readings since I have a test on Wednesday. Have a good one.

Irrelevant Benevolence

Another week has come and gone
Passed by the days
Another failed attempt at waking the dead
Basically seeing the future
But not what's really there
The song plays over and over
Nobody cares
We argue the past teaches us a lesson
No one can remember
Look at your hands and see what they've done
Age is irrelevant to the stories
Truth is benevolent
Some will die without regret or fear
No chance there
Listen to the lyrics
Decipher all the meanings in your brain
the only line we all can believe
Fare thee well
Until it's once again time to dream

It's amazing how a simple walk can make you feel relieved. I stood on the bridge with University College and the moon standing beautifully to my left and below me the Thames River moving so gracefully below. I was on that bridge for probably twenty minutes standing there thinking about anything and everything that came to mind and believe me there was a lot of things. I can't say I'm surprised by anything anymore. Well I would be surprised by one thing but it's something I'm sure I will one day conquer and defeat. I left out the word hope because that has got me nowhere so far. Hope with me has seen its fair share of opportunities with nothing to show so I don't trust in hope anymore. Who knows if I even trust myself anymore, I've done nothing to prove success and no desire to follow through with anything. I did however learn a truth I already knew. That being I am who I am and if I die with only two good friends then I should be a happy man.

Nothing Halo Fourteen

I have recently rediscovered the greatness of Nine Inch Nails and the lyrical genius, Trent Reznor. I only possess The Downward Spiral and The Fragile albums but both are so astounding that they can easily be classified as two of the best albums of the 1990 era.

Although I find it interesting how the changing of one word can totally change the whole concept behind a song. The case I am talking about is Johnny Cash's cover of hurt. Throughout The Downward Spiral album it clearly takes an anti-christian or anti-religious stance with lyrics such as "God is dead, and no one cares" and "Fuck your god, your lord and your christ" and the song Hurt when performed by Nine Inch Nails really has no religious sentiments in the song at all but with the changing of one word Johnny Cash changes the complete meaning behind the song.

In the NIN's version the lyric is "I wear this crown of shit" while Johnny Cash changes the lyric to "I wear this crown of thorns". The simple changing of shit to thorn now totally implies that this song is meant to have a religious aspect to it because the crown of thorns symbolizes Christ, also video contains images of crucification, the last supper and other religious imagery. I'm sure part of the lyric change was because Johnny Cash didn't seem like the type to swear but I don't like the fact that a song which I could listen to without any religious meaning to it is now forever immortalized as a song filled with religious meaning. That didn't come out exactly how I wanted to say it but the words do not seem to flow as smoothly as they do in my head.

I also have realized that some could argue that the pain and suffering that I interpret from the lyrics could be a religious symbol as the suffering of christ but in my opinion judging from the rest of the album that was not its intention, but I guess Trent Reznor would be the one to have final say on that issue. As you can see I have taken issue with a world that puts to much faith into religion.

Look To My Eskimo Friend

What is left to do when I am now at a loss for words even when I have so much going on in my head. I have never been one who communicates with great ease with anybody and the harder I try the more I fail. It would probably be easier to be six feet down, maybe then I would give them something to talk about. Another apology or belated excuse won't do, just give me the fucking truth. This is about no one in particular and even applies to myself because at times I am also guilty of the same practice.

It's pretty amazing that the only consistent thing in my life comes on a 6" piece of plastic. It seems to be the only thing that doesn't wither and fade in a matter of days. Everything I want to say I keep inside because in a way I guess I believe that the happiness of several shouldn't be destroyed by the sadness of one. I don't even know if I'm sad maybe just frustrated and confused about absolutely everything in this world except for music. Except I'm constrained to only listening to music and not creating it because I have no musical ability even when I honestly try.

I don't want pity or sympathy, like I said earlier just give me the fucking truth. I'm sorry for swearing but it's a fact of life, if they weren't meant to be used they would not have been created. Although my mind still has so many more thoughts repeating in my head I'm not going to write them because it loses all its worth once it is said.

Lastly, today was the funeral for Sabrina Ford, and although I did not attend because unless it is my own I cannot handle being at a funeral. I just want to give one last farewell to her and hope she is enjoying herself in heaven.

Eskimo by Damien Rice

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts
I find myself disposed
Brightness fills empty space
In search of inspiration
Harder now with higher speed
Washing in on top of me
So I look to my eskimo friend
I look to my eskimo friend
I look to my eskimo friend
When I'm down, down, down.

Rain it wets muddy roads
I find myself exposed
Tapping doors, but irritate
In search of destination
Harder now with higher speed
Washing in on top of me
So I look to my eskimo friend
I look to my eskimo friend
I look to my eskimo friend
When I'm down, down, down.

When I'm down, down, down.
When I'm down, down, down.

Riley

I'm not feeling up for making a full post so here are some recent pictures of my best buddy Riley.

Silent Night

This was going to be my best of 2004 post but at the moment it just doesn't seem appropriate. I have just received a phone call that my sister's best friend, Sabrina Ford, has been killed in a car accident. Although I was not overly close with Sabrina it is still a sad and tragic event to start what had been a good year so far. I can't imagine what my sister is going through right now knowing that you will never see your best friend again.

The only positive thing that may come from here untimely passing is that others may be able to live because of her. The reason for this is because Sabrina's organs are being donated. I don't have much else to say at the moment but I will leave this post with a song.

Silent Night - Damien Rice

silent night broken night
all is fallen when you take your flight
I found some hate for you just for show
you found some love for me thinking i'd go
don't keep me from crying to sleep
sleep in heavenly peace
silent night moonlit night
nothing's changed nothing is right
I should be stronger than weeping alone
you should be weaker than sending me home
I can't stop you fighting to sleep
sleep in heavely peace



Sabrina Ford
1980 - 2005
Rest In Peace